Seun went with her mom to a friend’s house, and while she was playing, a plate of food was placed in front of her. She felt the urge to dig in right away, but then she remembered what happened the last time—her mom had disciplined her for not asking permission first. So this time, she went straight to her mom to ask if she could eat.
If you grew up in an African household, this scenario probably sounds familiar. Many of us have experienced it firsthand!
But here is the question: why do we only teach our children to ask for permission in certain situations? Why not encourage them to ask questions more broadly? In fact, instead of asking questions to be encouraged, it is frowned upon. “What do you know?” We tell our children.
But questions are at the core of good decision-making. When children learn to question their choices, they are practicing critical thinking—a skill they will need for the rest of their lives. In this guide, we will explore how parents can encourage their children to think critically by teaching them the art of asking questions before making decisions.
Why Questions Are Key to Good Decision-Making
When it comes to making decisions, questions help us dig deeper. They break down the decision into smaller pieces and allow us to consider it from different angles. For children, who are still learning how to process the complexity of choices, asking questions is like using a flashlight in a dark room—it reveals options, uncovers hidden details, and points out potential outcomes.
So why exactly are questions so effective in teaching children how to make good choices? Let us break it down into a few key points.
- Questions Help Children Explore Consequences
Every decision has a set of possible outcomes. When children learn to ask questions like “What could happen if I choose this?” they start to think ahead. This helps them see not just the immediate effects but also any potential long-term results.
For example, if your child is deciding whether to spend their allowance all at once, a question like, “How will I feel if I don’t have any money left next week?” prompts them to consider if they will regret the choice later on. This skill is crucial as they grow older, especially in more complex situations like handling friendships, managing schoolwork, or navigating social media.
- Questions Help Children Clarify Their Values
Often, decisions reflect what is most important to us. By asking questions, children can dig into what really matters to them and understand how their values impact their choices.
Let us say your child is torn between joining a sports team or a music club. Asking questions like “Which activity do I enjoy more?” or “What will I learn from each?” helps them explore which choice aligns best with their interests and goals. This process builds self-awareness and helps them make decisions that feel right to them, even if others might choose differently.
- Questions Keep Assumptions in Check
Many choices are guided by assumptions we make without even realizing it. When children learn to ask questions about these assumptions, they can make better-informed decisions.
Imagine your child assumes they are not good at art just because they had a tough time in one class. A question like “Why do I think this?” or “what is another way to see this?” can open up new perspectives and possibilities. Asking these types of questions helps children avoid limiting beliefs and shows them how to approach situations with an open mind.
Teaching Children to Ask Effective Questions
Teaching children how to ask effective questions can feel a bit like teaching them to speak a new language, but it’s a language they will use for life. Asking effective questions isn’t just about coming up with something to ask; it’s about knowing which questions get the best answers for clear and confident decision-making. Here is how to get started.
- Start with Simple “What” and “Why” Questions
Children are naturally curious, but they may not know how to channel that curiosity into useful questions. Begin with “What” and “Why” questions. For example, if your child is deciding whether to go to a friend’s house instead of finishing homework, you can prompt with questions like: - “What will happen if I go to my friend’s house and leave my homework until later?”
- “Why do I feel like going to my friend’s is more important right now?”
Questions like these help them start to think about consequences and motivations behind their choices. They also open up a space for you to guide them without giving direct answers.
- Introduce Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions encourage exploration and reflection, especially when a child is making a big decision. For instance, if they are considering joining a new activity or club, you might help them ask: - “How would joining this activity make me feel?”
- “What do I hope to gain from being a part of this?”
These types of questions allow your child to explore feelings and goals, rather than just going with the option that feels easiest. Open-ended questions can help children understand not just what they are doing, but why they want to do it.
- Practice “If…Then” Questions to Explore Consequences
“If…then” questions are fantastic for helping children think ahead about potential outcomes. They are especially useful when your child is weighing options with clear pros and cons. here is how this might look: - “If I choose to play video games now, then when will I finish my project?”
- “If I spend all my allowance on this one toy, then how will I save for other things I want?”
Practicing this type of question helps children think beyond the immediate “yes or no” and consider how their decision could affect their time, money, and even their relationships.
- Encourage Self-Reflection with “How” Questions
Self-reflection is a crucial part of decision-making, and “How” questions are a great way to get there. Encourage your child to ask questions like: - “How will this choice help me reach my goals?”
- “How do I think I’ll feel about this decision tomorrow?”
These types of questions encourage children to assess their feelings and long-term satisfaction. Self-reflection builds emotional awareness, which is valuable for making thoughtful decisions.
Practicing Critical Thinking Through Everyday Scenarios
Helping your child become comfortable with asking questions is one part of the puzzle; the other part is putting it into practice. Everyday scenarios offer plenty of opportunities for practicing critical thinking. Here is how to turn daily choices into powerful learning moments.
- Shopping Decisions
Shopping—whether for clothes, food, or toys—provides a great chance for your child to weigh options and make decisions. If your child is deciding between two items, encourage them to ask: - “Why do I want this particular item?”
- “What is my budget, and how does this fit into it?”
- “How often will I use this, and is it worth the cost?”
These questions help them assess the value of what they are buying and understand how their spending aligns with their goals or budget.
- Handling Social Dilemmas
Social dilemmas offer excellent practice in making thoughtful choices. Let us say your child is invited to hang out with a friend but also has a commitment to attend a family event. Encourage them to think it through by asking: - “How will my friend feel if I can’t make it?”
- “How important is this family event to me, and why?”
- “What choice will I be happier with in the long run?”
Social situations can be tricky, and practicing critical thinking here helps children make choices based on empathy and self-awareness.
- Planning Their Own Schedules
Time management is an essential skill for any age, and scheduling decisions are a great way to practice it. If your child is balancing school, homework, and other responsibilities, guide them to ask questions like: - “What are my most important tasks today?”
- “What can I save for later if I don’t have time?”
- “How will my schedule impact my energy or focus on the things that matter most?”
By asking these questions, children learn to prioritize, manage their energy, and plan their time more effectively.
- Evaluating Media Choices
From TV shows to social media, children are constantly making choices about what they consume. If they are unsure about something they want to watch or engage with, help them ask: - “What do I hope to get out of watching this?”
- “How does this make me feel, and why?”
- “What else could I be doing with my time that might be more productive or fulfilling?”
Teaching children to critically evaluate their media choices encourages them to make decisions that support their well-being, rather than simply going with what is popular.
Helping children Differentiate Between Helpful and Harmful Questions
Teaching children the difference between helpful and harmful questions is key to building their confidence and focus. While some questions lead to deeper understanding and good choices, others can create doubt or unnecessary worry. By helping your child recognize the difference, you empower them to stay on track in their decision-making and prevent self-doubt from creeping in. Here is how to guide them.
- Explain What Makes a Question Helpful
A helpful question is one that encourages reflection, exploration, or problem-solving. It’s the kind of question that moves your child closer to making a decision or understanding something better. Here are a few examples: - “What are my goals with this decision?”
- “How can I prepare if something goes wrong?”
- “What steps do I need to take next?”
Walk through these examples with your child and point out how each one has a purpose. Show that helpful questions are specific, solution-focused, and intended to make things clearer. A helpful question empowers them by providing valuable insight.
- Identify Common Harmful Questions
Harmful questions are those that create worry, insecurity, or focus too much on the negatives. These questions don’t help children move forward; instead, they make them feel stuck or unsure. Some examples of harmful questions include: - “What if everyone laughs at me if I make a mistake?”
- “What if I never figure this out?”
- “Why am I so bad at this?”
Explain to your child that harmful questions are often self-critical, judgmental, or full of “what ifs” that aren’t based on facts. Let them know that everyone asks these types of questions sometimes, but it’s important to recognize when they are doing more harm than good.
- Help Them Reframe Harmful Questions into Helpful Ones
Show your child how to take a harmful question and turn it into something useful. For instance: - Instead of “What if I fail?” they could ask, “what is one thing I can do to prepare myself better?”
- Instead of “Why am I so bad at this?” they could try, “What can I practice to get better at this?”
Reframing harmful questions can be tricky at first, but with some guidance, children can learn to identify when a question isn’t serving them and find ways to make it more constructive. This skill will help them keep a positive mindset and approach challenges with a problem-solving attitude.
- Encourage Them to Practice Self-Compassion in Questioning
Remind your child that they don’t need to have all the answers right away and that it’s okay to feel uncertain or make mistakes. Encourage questions that focus on growth rather than perfection. This can look like: - “What did I learn from this experience?”
- “How can I be kinder to myself when I face a challenge?”
Self-compassionate questions remind children that they are learning, and they don’t have to be perfect to make good decisions. This approach builds resilience and helps them feel comfortable with the learning process, even when they make mistakes.
By fostering an environment that values thoughtful questioning, you give your child the freedom to think critically without fear of making mistakes. This approach builds trust and openness in your relationship, as your child begins to see you as a guide rather than just an authority. And as they grow, they will naturally start to reflect on their decisions and learn to adjust, which is one of the most essential life skills anyone can develop.
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