When Tunde was a child, he dreamed of being an artist. He loved sketching superheroes, painting colorful landscapes, and creating comic strips. But his parents had a different vision for him. “Drawing is just a hobby,” they would say. “You need a real career.”
They encouraged him to focus on science, constantly reminding him that success meant becoming a doctor like his uncle. Eventually, Tunde stopped drawing altogether. He focused on academics, got the grades his parents wanted, and followed the career path they had planned. But something always felt missing. Now, as a father, Tunde finds himself worrying; what if he is doing the same thing to his own children?
Many parents struggle with this. They love their children deeply and want the best for them, but sometimes, that desire turns into pressure. They see their children’s successes and failures as reflections of their own parenting. If their child excels, they feel proud. If their child struggles, they feel like they have failed too.
This is not to judge any parent. After all, most of these expectations come from a place of love. But when children feel constant pressure to meet unrealistic standards, they can become anxious, unmotivated, or even resentful. Others even rebel the moment they gain independence.
So, how do you know if your expectations are lifting your child up or weighing them down? In this post, we will explore the different types of parental expectations, where they come from, and how to set healthier goals that help children grow into confident, capable individuals.
Understanding Different Types of Parenting Expectations
Every parent has expectations for their child; it is natural. But not all expectations affect children the same way. Some motivate and encourage, while others feel like an impossible burden.
Let us take a closer look at the different types of parental expectations and how they can impact a child’s growth and self-esteem.
1. Academic Expectations
From an early age, children hear how important school is. Parents encourage good grades, high test scores, and advanced degrees because they believe education is the key to success. There is nothing wrong with valuing academics, but when the pressure to be top of the class outweighs a child’s ability to learn at their own pace, it can cause stress.
For example, a child who loves reading and writing but struggles with math may start feeling like a failure if their parents expect straight A’s. Instead of focusing on their strengths, they may start dreading school altogether. Some children become anxious test-takers because they feel their self-worth is tied to their grades. Others lose interest in learning once they realize they can never meet the unrealistic standard set for them.
2. Behavioral Expectations
Every parent wants their child to be well-mannered, responsible, and respectful. But when the expectation is to never make mistakes, children can start feeling like they are walking on eggshells.
While it is important to teach respect and responsibility, it is also important to remember that children are still learning. They will make mistakes. They will have bad days. Expecting perfect behavior at all times can make them afraid to express themselves.
3. Social Expectations
Many parents worry about their child’s ability to make friends and interact well with others. Some expect their child to be outgoing, confident, and socially skilled. But not all children are naturally social.
A shy child who prefers small groups or one-on-one conversations may feel uncomfortable when forced to “go say hi” or “make more friends.” A child who enjoys playing alone may feel like something is wrong with them if their parents constantly push them to be more social.
4. Emotional Expectations
Children experience big emotions: happiness, frustration, sadness, excitement. But some parents expect them to always stay in control. They might tell their child, “Stop crying; it is not a big deal” or “You should not be angry over that.” While the intention might be to teach emotional resilience, it can also make children feel like their feelings are wrong.
A child who grows up believing they can’t express their emotions might start hiding them altogether. They might pretend to be okay even when they are struggling because they don’t want to disappoint their parents.
5. Career Expectations
Some parents have a clear vision of what their child’s future should look like. They have a specific career path in mind, expecting their child to follow in their footsteps or choose a “stable” profession.
It is common for parents to push medicine, law, or engineering while dismissing creative or unconventional careers. Some children who love music, sports, or entrepreneurship struggle under the weight of their parents’ expectations because they feel like their dreams are not taken seriously.
Now, let us look at some of the factors that affect parenting expectations.
Factors That Shape Parenting Expectations
Parental expectations don’t come from nowhere. Every parent has hopes and dreams for their child, and those expectations are often shaped by personal experiences, cultural values, and societal pressures.
Sometimes, without realizing it, parents project their own fears, disappointments, and ambitions onto their children. Understanding why we set certain expectations can help us take a step back and make sure we are not unintentionally placing too much weight on our children’s shoulders.
1. The Influence of Personal Experience
Many parents today had to grow up fast (I can relate to this personally). They didn’t have the luxury of childhood filled with play and exploration. Some had to take on responsibilities at a young age, help support their family, or prove their worth through academic and career achievements.
Because of this, they believe pushing their child hard is an act of love. If they struggled to succeed, they don’t want their child to experience the same hardship, so they push them to be the best. Others, who missed out on opportunities, see their child as a chance to fulfill the dreams they could not pursue.
For example, a parent who wanted to be a doctor but never had the chance may strongly encourage their child to enter medicine, even if the child has no interest in it. A parent who had to work twice as hard for financial stability may expect their child to aim for top-paying jobs, believing that anything less is a failure.
But what happens when the child’s dreams don’t align with the parent’s? They may feel guilty for disappointing their parents or anxious about not meeting expectations. Over time, they may lose sight of their own interests and simply follow the path laid out for them, even if it makes them unhappy.
2. Cultural and Societal Pressure
In many cultures, children’s success is seen as a reflection of their parents. Parents feel responsible for how their children turn out, and society often judges them based on their child’s achievements. If a child does well in school, excels in sports, or gets into a prestigious university, the parents are praised. But if a child struggles, the parents may feel like they have failed.
This pressure can make parents unknowingly push their children beyond their limits. They may compare their child to others, asking, “Why can’t you be like so-and-so?” They may measure success based on societal standards rather than their child’s strengths and interests.
Social media has made this even harder. Parents see carefully curated snapshots of other families’ “perfect” children's academic awards, talents, achievements, and wonder if they are doing enough. The pressure to keep up can lead to unrealistic expectations, turning childhood into a competition rather than a time of growth and discovery.
3. The Fear of an Uncertain Future
The world today is fast-changing and competitive. Many parents worry about whether their child will have a stable and successful future. This fear can lead them to believe that pushing their child harder will prepare them for life’s challenges. They think, if I don’t make them aim high now, they might struggle later.
But while preparing children for the future is important, there is a fine line between equipping them with skills and burdening them with pressure. A child who is constantly pushed may grow up feeling like they are never good enough. Instead of being motivated by their own interests, they may develop anxiety and burnout, never feeling at peace with their achievements.
When Parental Expectations Become Overwhelming
High expectations can be a good thing when they are realistic and encouraging. They help children develop resilience, discipline, and motivation. But when expectations become too high, rigid, or disconnected from the child’s natural strengths and interests, they can cause more harm than good.
1. Anxiety and Fear of Failure
Children who grow up under constant pressure to be “the best” may develop anxiety about failure. They might start believing that mistakes are unacceptable and that their worth is tied to their performance.
For example, a child who is always expected to get perfect grades may feel intense fear whenever they face a difficult subject. Instead of asking for help or seeing challenges as part of learning, they may start feeling ashamed and stressed. Some children even avoid trying new things because they are afraid of failing and disappointing their parents.
Over time, this pressure can lead to burnout, low self-esteem, and a fear of taking risks, things that can affect them well into adulthood.
2. Struggles with Identity and Self-Worth
When children are raised with the expectation that they must be the best; whether in school, sports, or social status, they may start defining themselves only by their achievements. Instead of seeing themselves as unique individuals with different strengths and weaknesses, they may believe they are only valuable when they succeed.
This can create a deep sense of insecurity. A child who does not meet their parent’s expectations may feel like a disappointment, even if they are trying their best. Some children even distance themselves emotionally from their parents, feeling like they are only loved when they achieve something impressive.
A classic example is the teenager who seems to “change” when they go off to university or start making their own choices. In reality, they may just be experiencing freedom for the first time, figuring out who they are beyond their parents’ expectations. Some rebel, making choices their parents disapprove of, while others struggle with indecision, not knowing what they truly want because they have never had the chance to explore their own interests.
3. Loss of Enjoyment and Passion
When expectations turn into pressure, even activities that a child once loved can start feeling like a burden.
For example, a child who enjoys playing the piano for fun may lose interest if their parents expect them to compete and win awards. A child who loves football may start dreading practice if they feel they must be the best. Instead of doing things for joy, children may start seeing activities as obligations.
Over time, this can lead to burnout and resentment. Instead of growing into confident individuals who love learning and exploring, they may simply go through the motions, doing things out of obligation rather than passion.
But this does not mean parents should not have expectations at all. The key is finding balance; setting goals that challenge but don’t overwhelm, encouraging effort over perfection, and allowing children the space to explore their own paths.
Helping Your Child Set Realistic but Challenging Expectations
Setting expectations for children is a delicate balance. On one hand, you don’t want to set the bar so low that they don’t develop resilience or ambition. On the other hand, you don’t want to make expectations so high that they feel overwhelmed or discouraged.
The goal is to help children set expectations that challenge them to grow while still being achievable based on their abilities and interests. Here is how:
1. Focus on Progress, Not Perfection
Children thrive when they feel their efforts are valued, not just their results. If they believe that only perfect grades or top performances matter, they may start feeling anxious or unmotivated when things get tough. Instead, shift the focus to progress.
For example, if your child struggles with math, instead of expecting them to always get an A, encourage them to aim for steady improvement. Celebrate when they understand a difficult concept or raise their grade from a C to a B. This helps them develop a growth mindset, believing that effort leads to improvement, rather than thinking they must be naturally gifted at something to succeed.
2. Encourage Them to Set Their Own Goals
When children are involved in setting their own goals, they are more motivated to achieve them. Instead of deciding everything for them, guide them in setting realistic but challenging expectations.
For instance, if your child loves football, ask them, What os something you would like to achieve this season? Maybe they want to improve their passing skills or increase their endurance. If they enjoy reading, ask, How many books do you think you can read this month? This allows them to take ownership of their goals while still pushing themselves.
You can also help them break big goals into smaller, manageable steps. If they want to learn to play the piano, instead of focusing on mastering a whole song immediately, encourage them to practice for 20 minutes a day. Achieving small wins builds confidence and keeps them motivated.
3. Keep Expectations Flexible
Life is unpredictable, and sometimes children will struggle with things that seemed easy before. Maybe they were doing well in school but then had a rough term. Maybe they loved a certain activity but have lost interest. Instead of forcing them to meet old expectations, be open to adjusting them.
Ask questions like, Are you still enjoying this? or What is making this challenging for you? If they are struggling in a subject, maybe they need a different learning approach or extra support. If they no longer enjoy an activity, it is okay to explore new interests.
4. Teach Them That Failure Is Part of Growth
Many children fear failure because they see it as the opposite of success. But failure is a natural part of learning and growth. When your child faces setbacks, help them reframe failure as a learning experience rather than a final judgment on their abilities.
If they didn’t make the football team, remind them that they can always try again or explore another sport. If they performed poorly on a test, encourage them to figure out what went wrong and how to improve. Instead of saying, You should have tried harder, try saying, What do you think we can do differently next time?
This approach builds resilience and helps children develop a healthy attitude toward challenges.
Children are not meant to follow a perfectly mapped-out path, and their journey won’t always look the way we imagined. Their interests may shift, they may struggle in areas we expected them to excel, and they may take longer to figure things out than we had hoped. But that does not mean they are failing, or that we are failing as parents. It simply means they are growing in their own way, at their own pace.
Parenting is a journey, and so is childhood. The goal is not to create a perfect child or to shape them into a version of ourselves. It is to walk beside them, support them, and help them become the best version of who they are meant to be. And that, more than any expectation, is what truly matters.
